In the back of my mind, there's a niggling fear that if I stop working, I'll never start back again. I worry that I'll go from a life filled with things I'm passionate about, to a lack of interest, finally resulting in a deep depression.
I saw this happen to my dad in his later years, and I've had to wrestle with depressive periods of my own, so depression always feels like it could be one slip-up away.
Recently I had a forced 2 month break from painting. After a month devoted to surgery and recovery, I took a trip to Hawaii, then followed that shortly after with a trip to Santa Cruz, CA.
I enjoyed long periods of relaxation, rediscovered my love of reading and listening to audiobooks. Went on rainforest hikes, snorkeled, swam and admired lots of unfamiliar foliage.
But I did almost nothing art related that whole time, beyond listening to artist talks, and I stayed almost entirely away from social media.
I'm happy to report that now that painting is available to me again I'm eager to return to it. No spiral to depression starting.
But I also feel like I don't want to jump right in where I left off.
The deep pause has allowed me to be more conscious about what I find meaningful.
The break from social media surprised me in how little I missed it. And how much time it took up!
I've been able to step back and really look at the aspects of it I find valuable--the chats and connections with inspiring people. Keeping a record of my work and sharing what I've learned with others. And gathering fresh ideas with a little scrolling and browsing.
But plenty could go. I did do a clean up of things that no longer serve me. Unfollowing those who don't interest me and dropping older Facebook groups. I've been paying attention to what feels good about posting and how often, instead of being on that Instagram treadmill of needing something new all the time.
It seemed a good time to take the same fresh look at my painting, instead of jumping into unfinished work or starting a series I thought about months ago. I want to spend some time with my journal, keeping notes as I experiment and paying attention to what really thrills me right now. Explore some of those directions that have been whispering to me, like adding bits of realism back into my work. See what directions have juice for me.
This deep pause has stripped me down to zero and stopped any auto-piloting that was going on. It really removed the clutter from my life and is allowing me to add things back in, bit by bit. But not before asking, is this valuable to me right now?
I don't know what direction might appear, maybe I'll want to return to my old routine, but I'm appreciative that this break has allowed me space to be conscious of what is essential.
